It is painfully true that your child’s resistance can be really frustrating and draining. Especially when you don’t have strategies to face it head-on. 

Well, there’s good news and bad news. 

You can’t make it stop. But you can make it less draining and more productive. 

There are three forms of resistance, and each requires a different strategy.

Complaining

Complaining is actually a big, yellow yield sign. It’s your child asking you to listen to them and slow things down. And, it’s perfectly normal. (Who wouldn’t want their feelings to be heard, or to watch their favorite show all the way to the end? It is understandable!)

Complaints are best managed with clear expectations, patience, and consistent boundaries. 

That way, the child may voice their opinion respectfully, but they know full well what you expect. 

As long as you stay calm, consistent, and repeat your expectations, your child will typically follow the rules you set. 

Avoidance

Avoidance is when your child adopts a behavior (like video games or going to the bathroom) to distract themselves and artfully dodge their non-preferred task. Typically, they can do the task, but they have trouble getting started. 

You can help them get started in one of several ways:

• For younger kids, you can sit with them as they start the task. 
• Figure out if there’s a mismatch with their learning style and the assignment (think vision board vs. bucket list – both achieve the same goal but in different ways). If so, talk to your child’s teacher to come up with another option.
• Start with the smallest possible time allotment to make it feel easy. For instance, they could do math for one song. Usually, kids can continue with minimal fuss once they’ve started. 

Refusal

Refusal is an intense emotional reaction, often caused by anxiety or fear. It can be linked to feeling like a “failure” too.

Perhaps your child is refusing to go to school, paralyzed by a fear of being teased by classmates. Maybe your kiddo is refusing to do math homework because their frustration with understanding the concepts has reached the point of despair.

When refusal happens, acknowledge the emotion. Put the work aside, address their feelings, and create a safe space for your child to open up about how they feel and what is happening. 

And, go easy on yourself. You and your child are not alone with this emotional response. It is normal, and it is more common than you might think.

You may need the professional help of a therapist to address their underlying emotions and concerns.

Congratulations on taking the first step by reading this article to understand the messages in your child’s resistance and learning how you can begin to work through it together.