My new one-woman show, Atypical Grace, follows Marilynn, who runs a weekly support group for parents who have children who are struggling with learning disabilities.  These parents are as diverse as their children’s needs, but Marilynn continually searches for a way to empathetically meet the parents where they are.  From Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD/ADHD), autism, processing disorders, to trouble with math or reading comprehension, each parent shares their child’s ups and downs with learning and their own individual challenges supporting their kiddos. 

As all parents know, parenting doesn’t stop at the classroom door, it’s a never-ending job that’s best done with a healthy dose of forgiveness.

Watch as a group of parents come together to face some of the trials, tribulations, and joys of raising children with so many needs. This show is not autobiographical, but rather an amalgamation of the many years spent in private practice working with children who struggle with the learning process, as well as supporting their families.

Empower your learner so they begin to take ownership over their education. When they are in the driver’s seat, they will learn from their mistakes and feel the pride that comes from setting and accomplishing a goal. But how can we empower them?

1️⃣ When appropriate, allow them to be in charge, i.e. be the leader, make the choice. Give them opportunities to work independently. Wait for them to ask for help. Encourage them to make mistakes and learn, especially since you’re there to help them regroup.

2️⃣ When they start to get overwhelmed or worry, remind them they have a plan. If they don’t have a plan, it is the perfect moment to teach them how to create one.

3️⃣ Find places they already glow and where they need to grow. Utilize their strong suits to keep the discussion about developing skills strength-based. Ask lots of questions that help them connect the dots and think for themself. For instance, “When you did a project that was similar to this, what was the easiest part for you? Maybe we can start there?”

4️⃣ Monitor their emotional reactions. If it’s difficult to learn when they are emotionally dysregulated. If they start to get frustrated or upset, ask them how they’re feeling. That helps them learn to be aware of, connect to, and name their emotions. Then, ask them what they think they should do at that moment. You can suggest healthy options if they don’t have ideas…go for a walk, take deep breaths, have a glass of water or a snack, play a game, take a short break, or write in their journal.

Nurturing a positive learning environment through the celebration of successes, fostering a growth mindset, and modeling a passion for learning is essential for encouraging children to develop confidence and resilience. By recognizing their achievements, promoting a love for learning, and demonstrating lifelong exploration, we can inspire our children to embrace challenges and view their educational journey as an engaging and rewarding adventure…even when it’s hard!

When your child knows how to process their emotions, they can better learn and grow from life’s challenges. In fact, emotions give them invaluable insight and lessons. Plus, resilience.

So how can they ride the wave of emotion and come to a peaceful resolution without crashing? Check out my process below.

A Five Step Process for Regulating Emotions

First, let your child experience their feelings in your caring presence. That includes sadness and anger. Yes, it’s hard to watch them cry, but tears are an important emotional release. (Tears actually help relieve stress!)

Next, as the emotion starts to subside, you can help your child self-regulate with some square breathing.  Or, perhaps they need intense exercise to get a really strong emotion out.  They can also shift their energy by splashing water on their face or chewing peppermint gum. Here’s a list with 30 more ways to shift their energy.

When they are calm enough, help them identify their emotion(s). Here’s an “emotion wheel” to help.

Now, here’s the real magic – start to figure out what lesson or information that emotion, that big reaction, has to teach them. For instance, jealousy is a big neon arrow pointing us toward what we want. Anger lets us know when something is wrong. Ask your child, “If _____ (the emotion) had something important to say, what would it tell me?” 

If you can, come up with a plan together based on what you learn. (Ask questions so your child can suggest solutions.) Maybe they simply need a nap or a snack. Or, they might need a tutor to help with math. There could be an issue with an important friendship. I know you will figure it out! If the pain of the emotion feels unbearable and/or does not subside, consider seeking the help of a therapist.

Finally, here’s a great article that walks you through an example of what healthy parent-child co-regulation interaction could look like.  It touches on acknowledging big feelings, offering connection, and letting go of perfection.

Good luck!

Every child has strengths. Plenty of them. 

They are magnificent, complicated, intricate and unique. 

Kids who learn differently simply need help figuring out their style and supports they need.

When their mind doesn’t feel like a gift, when they feel “different” and down, you can help them reframe their traits positively.

• Swap “inconsistent” with “shows flashes of brilliance” 
• “Hyperactive” with “energetic”
• “Scattered” with having “many interests” and possessing “out-of-the-box thinking” 
• “Hyper-focused” as “invested”

Here’s a list of 165 possibilities to help you build your awareness of your child’s strengths together.

With greater self-confidence, they can harness their strengths and forge their unique path in the world.

Flexible parenting combined with powerful listening helps parents break through tough parenting moments and unhealthy patterns.

Note: While flexibility is the basis of this parenting style, clear limits, expectations, and rules are still important. 

Try asking yourself these questions the next time you’re in one of those tough moments. You’ll better understand your child and their needs. You’ll get unstuck and diffuse negative emotions. Plus, you’ll be on the path to a win-win solution. 

• Does my child need something different from me right now? (a hug, attention, help with organization, etc.)
• Is this a pattern of behavior or a very rare thing? (If it’s a pattern, a different strategy might work better. If it’s rare, your child might need a little flexibility this time.)
• What are the benefits of being flexible right now?
• What are the consequences of being flexible right now?
• Is there another way I could talk to my child?
• Is there another strategy I could try?

A flexible parenting mindset has been shown to reduce children’s anxiety and depression. It also increases communication, self-esteem, imagination, and overall positivity in children.

For more on flexible thinking, and how to foster it in your household, check out this PBS article.

Your child’s resistance can be really frustrating and draining. Especially when you don’t have strategies to face it head-on. 

There’s good news and bad news. 

You can’t make it stop. But, you can make it less draining and more productive. 

There are two forms of resistance and each requires a different strategy.

Complaining

Complaining is actually a big, yellow yield sign. It’s your child asking you to listen to them and slow things down. And, it’s perfectly normal. (Who wouldn’t want their feelings to be heard, or to watch their favorite show all the way to the end?)

Complaints are best managed with clear expectations, patience, and consistent boundaries. 

That way, the child may voice their opinion respectfully, but they know full-well what you expect. 

As long as you stay calm, repeat your expectations, your child will typically follow the rules you set. 

Avoidance

Avoidance is when your child adopts a behavior (like video games or going to the bathroom) to distract themselves and dodge their non-preferred task. Typically they can do the task, they just have trouble getting started. 

You can help them get started in one of several ways:

• For younger kids, you can sit with them as they start the task. 
• Figure out if there’s a mismatch with their learning style and the assignment (think vision board vs. bucket list – both achieve the same goal but in different ways). Talk to your teacher to come up with another option.
• Start with the smallest possible time allotment to make it feel easy. For instance, they could do math for one song. Usually, kids can continue with minimal fuss once they’ve started. 

Refusal

Refusal  is an intense emotional reaction, often caused by anxiety or fear. It can be linked to feeling like a “failure,” too.

Perhaps your child is refusing to go to school, paralyzed by a fear of COVID. Perhaps your kiddo is refusing to do math homework, because their frustration has reached the point of despair

When refusal happens, acknowledge the emotion. Put the work aside, address their feelings, and create a safe space for your child to open up. 

And, go easy on yourself. You and your child are not alone with this emotional response. It is normal, and more common than you might think.

You may need the help of a therapist to address their underlying emotions and concerns.

Congratulations on reading this article to understand the messages in your child’s resistance, and learn how you can work through it together.